You know those runs when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders the whole time but keep hoping it’ll make you feel better then suddenly at the very end it starts pouring rain and you lose it and you can kind of breathe again because you can’t tell the difference between raindrops and tears? That was today.
I sent that to my coach right after i finished my run today because there was no other way to describe it.
for an easy 3 mile run, i was fighting the world today. also apparently my watch was .25 miles off again. Making my perceived effort to simply run very confusing. I didn’t change the effort, I even slowed until I heard thunder but I was so baffled my cadence being one thing and my pace and distance showing another. This didn’t help the weight I was carrying. I switched my watch to ONLY show me my HR which was still staying in the aerobic zone during the run. So again, confused. So much of me wanted to just walk. So much of me also wants to hit me goals and show myself that I can do this. So much of me didn’t want to get caught in a thunderstorm. So much of me just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry on the side of the road because my bed felt so far away. So I kept running home. And I’m so glad I did. I’m so glad I finished.
today has been one of those mondays when i just didn’t want to get out of bed. really. i woke up from the worst dream and pretty much started crying. from that point my monday morning was spent in bed catching up on emails, slowly working through the morning.
am i mad at myself for it? no.
do i wish my monday was full of sunshine? absolutely.
but sometimes you just have to embrace your hurricane.
while it’s not time to share the reason for my rainy mood or heavy heart, i do want to remind you that it’s ok to embrace the rain. or as i like to refer to it as my hurricane. [i’ve been called hurricane asheton/smash for a very long time] which recently went up a few categories.
i had huge plans to start off my birthday month with a bang and a series of group runs around my city.
i know i’ve been quiet for a while on here.
while working through some demons and preparing myself to share a really big part of me, a new big part showed up.
it’s both inspired me to live my life harder but it’s also going to take some time to adjust every so often.
i know that some of my training schedule will have to adjust here and there and while i am still going to work my ass off and never give up, there could be days when a hard workout on the schedule may not go as planned because those demons and that plot twist sit heavier than the day before.
FYI: stress plays a HUGE role in how well training goes.
i went 3 days without crying last week.
then today: all the tears.
tears aren’t weakness.
tears are strength.
tears are a reminder that i have a heart.
over the next few weeks i hope to play catch up on the 50 or so pieces i feel like i have planned to do but never wrote.
reviews, recipes, life, training, etc. let’s see how this actually goes….
and a really big cool project that i’m in love with will be finished soon. it’s probably the one that really is helping me mentally through all of this right now. [that one just needs editing and we’ll be shooting it once this actual thunderstorm passes..]
when it’s time, i promise i’ll share.
i promise to get back to being a social unicorn again.
i promise to dig further into life than ever before.
but right now, i need to finish taking care of me.
so that i can continue to be there for all of you.
you will see glimpses of my sunshine as much as possible.
but i plan to be 100% real like i always am.
i even plan to talk more about body image again. and again. and again.
until then, i will be rolling out on my floor watching todays actual storm which directly resembles my personal hurricane.
it wouldn’t be april without a shower, right?