i don’t know what i want

i sat there with my head in my hands tears pouring down my face telling myself i don’t want to be this anymore

that little voice inside my head told me then change

then don’t be this version of you

but the tears only fell harder as i screamed but i don’t know what i want to be 

i don’t know what i want to do

it’s been a year of this 

chunks of time are missing

i can usually viscerally remember things but my mind goes blank

i know so much and so little

was i really that disassociated for that long to where astral travel or whatever i’ve been doing took over? 

or did the aliens have me longer than i realized?

i have no idea

but i have always said in every life i have ever experienced i have been female and luck would have it that my universal stream is full of feminine energy that needs healing

my main aspects, my most prominent all female

no males — crazy 

then the keyboard warriors being the assholes that they are not realizing 

90% of the time experience trumps a participation award

if i could go back to college i would do everything different 

but then would i lose the lessons and experiences that got me here?

if i could go back and do things different

i probably wouldn’t have gone to college

i probably would have broken up with that high school sweetheart sooner well i would have stayed broken up and not gotten back together but that’s a pattern i eventually rewrote

i would have let myself enjoy myself and my world more 

i would have done so much different

i would have complied less 

spoken out more

but who’s to say i can’t do that now

because i can

i just haven’t

it’s exhausting getting attacked 

2020 proved that as thick of skin as you may have 

when people you once thought were you friends prove to be anything but 

and your family has it’s own meltdown crisis mode

sometime you also have meltdowns and just need to hit pause

all the while constantly asking yourself what the fuck do you have to offer because imposter syndrome is a bitch like that

i know i have a lot but when i sit down to do things my head gets riddled and overwhelmed and i just no longer want to so shit like this pours out

when i get asked about coaching and mentoring and supporting people want some specific formula for healing but you guys that is not how trauma works and if you’ve found something good for you

but healing is part of this massive interwoven connected blanket and as soon as you unravel one piece you find that it’s tied to another and while one person may need soft love others need that smack you in the face truth hard love and others a mix of the two 

but then my own fear of abandonment comes into the mix and i don’t stay attached even on a professional level to things so then when people ask me what i’m up to or how i’ve been i share the training i’m doing for the races because the only thing that i feel confident in right now is training 

but even that is in some auto mode and i’m getting bored with that structure because my body craves more as it expands capacity but fuck y’all

the immense pressure humans feel to be or do sucks

i love this phase of life that is just “easy” feeling and flowy but the spark is coming back to me to want to create more than my every day energy creation and i get back into that loop of what the fuck do i want to leave this world with and honestly it’s probably going to be something about my smile and the impact i had but i also want more for me than that 

and that’s ok

everything and nothing makes sense and half the time i would prefer to be sleeping because at least then in other dimensions i’m doing really cool shit and experiencing things but also i can’t live in my head forever

so here we are june 

whatcha got for me 

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